Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
