im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
