JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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