she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
