i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
