I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Randomize
