If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
