I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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