Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Randomize
