So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Randomize
