Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Randomize
