I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
