Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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