I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
