my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
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