We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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