My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
