I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
