I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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