The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
