when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
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