Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
