I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
