If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Randomize
