Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Randomize
