"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
