Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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