thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
