Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Randomize
