I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
zippers are such a cool invention
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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