I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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