Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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