i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
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