honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
he fucked my hip out of place.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
Randomize
