FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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