It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Randomize
