Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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