you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
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