You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
