I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
You ruined the universe
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