Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
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