Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize