I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
