hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize