A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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