mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
