My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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