My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Randomize
