Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Randomize
