mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
weddingsv make me drug and hornr
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Randomize