if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
