I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Randomize
