please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
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