Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
