my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
