I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
