Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
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