One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
