mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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