Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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