Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
