Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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